The Outside Slant: FSU Opponents NC State, Notre Dame, Boston College, Florida

Lead Writer Clint Eiland mercifully concludes his comedic look at Florida State’s 2018 opponents. With one final edition on NC State, Notre Dame, Boston College, and Florida, the series no one asked for is over. Until basketball season, that is.

Check out parts I and II, as well as the serious preview.

NC State

That was it, NC State. 2017 was your chance to compete in the ACC. Your entire starting defensive line turned into eventual NFL draft picks, your offense had a proven quarterback with a diverse array of playmakers, and the rest of your division was weak. You then lost four regular season games and settled for the Sun Bowl. Welcome to the Dave Doeren experience.

The Wolfpack still maintain much of their offensive weapons, including quarterback Ryan Finley and two of their top receivers in Kelvin Harmon and Jakobi Meyers. Losing running back Nyheim Hines hurts a lot, but the passing attack should continue to improve. The defense though? Somehow they got worse from 2016 to 2017 — a legitimately impressive accomplishment by coordinator Dave Huxtable (sounds more like a UNC name to me). It wouldn’t shock me if the Wolfpack maintained a decent unit, but getting noticeably better looks out of the equation.

Despite all this, FSU has trouble almost every time it visits. It’s genuinely hard to explain. I don’t think FSU loses, but you’re kidding yourself if you don’t think it’s going to be unbearably close again.

Worst Name Ever Given? Brad Chubb.

Prediction: FSU 35, NC State 28

Notre Dame

Brian Kelly is Tom Coughlin.

Both men have noted success in running a football team and have a propensity for saving their careers on the edge of firing. Tell me, is there any other coach in the college game right now who has played in a national championship, recorded two 10-win seasons since 2015, produced a respectable amount of draft picks, and still been on a hot seat? The only difference between the two is that Coughlin had Eli Manning stumbling his way to two Super Bowl rings, whereas Kelly now has…Brandon Wimbush.

On paper, this should be a good team. On paper, the Fighting Irish return a loaded secondary and most of the veterans of the front seven. On paper, they keep a majority of their offensive starters and have talent to utilize. But when you get all the way up to No. 3 and proceed to lose two of your next four games by 51 combined points, it’s almost impossible to take you seriously. Oh, Jimbo Fisher also hired away defensive coordinator Mike Elko. Oil money vs. Catholic church money — the battle of the millennium.

I’ll pick Notre Dame now but this is the one prediction that I won’t defend much.

Why is Kelly’s Wikipedia Photo So Dramatic? Seriously, look at this thing. It’s like Kelly was featured on that Humans of New York Instagram account and gave a story about how his father was a coal miner.

Prediction: Notre Dame 34, FSU 27

Boston College

It’s hard to call this a revenge game, because the ultimate outcome was something that the team benefited from. Why would you want revenge after getting help? Sure it’s a bit painful to get smacked 35-3 against an OK team, but at least you know what it feels like to lose horribly. You’ll never want to do it ever again (unless you’re the Cleveland Browns, then you keep the coach who helped it along).

Something very strange happened midway through the year for BC. It looked like it was on its way to another season of a good defense getting wasted by a putrid offense. All of the sudden, the Eagles input freshman running back A.J. Dillon and started hanging 35-plus points on opponents. That’s right folks. Somehow, Boston College figured out an offense before Florida did.

Now the Eagles return their star running back, starting quarterback, top three receivers, and their entire starting offensive line. You could rip your playbook from NCAA 14 and probably finish in the top 50 offenses. The starting defense also returns plenty of contributors to try and repeat last year’s solid outing.

This might be Steve Addazio’s best team in his Boston College coaching career. Seven wins it is.

What Does Steve Addazio Look Like? The hard-ass principal in high school who grabs kids by the neck when they’re acting up, but nobody wants to report it because it might backfire on them.

Prediction: FSU 28, Boston College 17

Florida

I’ll be completely honest. I had a lot of difficulty trying to write jokes for this section. Everything that could be poked at has already been flaunted in the open: Tay-Bang, recruiting failures, quarterback issues. I’m not acting like I have high standards for comedy, but everything I tried just seemed stale.

The win streak over the Gators is getting to the point where it’s mentally draining on their program. The stars aligned in 2017 for Florida to finally grab a win over a crashing FSU, and it got shut down 38-22 in its home stadium. There are no more sharks to caress, teammates to block, credit cards to defraud…just plain desperation. Both new head coach Dan Mullen and defensive coordinator Todd Grantham are good coaches, yet each are inheriting players who don’t truly fit their systems. They’ll modestly improve on offense and slightly improve on defense, but they need a year to sort out the issues given to them.

This game is so far away that making a prediction is a shot in the dark. I’m going to guess that neither offenses are able to do much, but Florida State’s defense is able to make the quarterback (quarterbacks?) a non-factor.

Rap Album That Dan Mullen Fakes Liking? KOD by J. Cole. Totally believable choice.

EDIT: I wrote the above quip on Sunday night. On Monday morning, I was already proven wrong when Mullen tweeted at Kodak Black. It’s unclear which staffer instructed him to do so, but it’s a huge risk because literally no one thinks Mullen knows any songs by him. I’m slightly impressed that he didn’t try tweeting at XXXtentacion.

Prediction: FSU 17, Florida 10

Conclusion

That leaves us with a 9-3 record prediction, which is suspiciously in line with my 9-3 record prediction in the serious preview. QAnon folks are on the case.

Only 12 more days of waking up and skimming through practice notes even though it’s pointless and liable to change after the first game. Only 12 more days of coming home and realizing that August baseball might be the worst replacement in the world for your sports cravings. Just make it through these next two weeks and you’re home free, Seminole fans. Hope you finished that home improvement project you swore you’d complete before football season starts.